Sooo Nick was here and now hes in Germany and although he doesnt eploy till October beign so far away with a big time change feels like hes alreay deployed.. Only Im not panicing inside because I know he is actually safe in Germany.. This definitely is going to be super hard, but Ive never loved someone this much so Ill survive. Lots of carepackages, pictures, webcam dates, and dreams..

As far as my issues with my weight -_- Ive let them slip lately an have ignored it (or at least tried to) and its been showing but I cant do what I used to so I have to do things a little better. We shall see

So it all worked out and he was here to visit me on wednesday. I dont know why but it just feels sooo right. I love everything little thing about him and Im hooked. He left this morning and I teared up for 4 hours on the way to the Amtrak station from the airport; I had a janitor ask if I was okay 4 times and a like 8 bums ask me for money I guess I looked like an easy target. I looked like I had breakdown and I did. My eyes are poofy and irritated and my body feels like it got hit by a bus (I think its just because Im sooo sick right now)
But I love him. I really really love him. The I wanna grow old with you love. So I need to get my passport because Ill be going to Germany. I never knew how hard it was to not see him until he was here and then he was gone. He didnt want to go either and at 4 in the morning we sleepily held each other sad, excited, lovingly, and just waiting for time to freeze so we could hold the moment for a little longer.

I should be really excited, and I am because Nick has his orders to leave Hawaii tuesday to go home and then to IL and then to Germany. This makes me super happy, but- his ex has been texting him since tuesday apologizing and saying we never did this and we never did do that blah blah blah. Okay this is the whore who cheated multiple times while he was in Iraq and NOW that he's finally happy again she decides to feel shit and miss him

Its too late. He cant ever love her again or "as much as I love you ever again" which I think might mean he loved her more. Which sucks. Which bums me out. Which makes me think and deal and not wanting to. But on the other hand he talks of wanting me to go to Germany with him, which I would in a heartbeat if the Army would let a "girlfriend" live with him which doesnt happen, you have to be married. So is he hinting at that too if he mentions me going to Germany?

Im so confused, and I am sooo excited-but all the extra drama and thoughts are almost ruining the moment.

fuck-

yep.. its my birthday. and no one in my family can do anything because we "just dont have the money"
so yeah here I am sitting on my couch bored out of my mind..

so uhm, Im getting drunk off my ass tomorrow at the new years eve party (which is what my dad would rather spend money on, alcohol over a b day cake) whatever...

I got my dog, hes a little monster and has male issues. he thinks hes top dog sometimes and tried to bite but he gets a time out. hes in obedience and doing well..

Soon to be 20 & not a teenager!

Anyway, volleyball season is over; I couldnt be more excited about that. Im fed up with all the fake as bitch drama that seemed to overtake our season.. but its over... for now, post season is just around the corner...

Im getting a German Shpeherd Puppy tomorrow as soon as I get off the airplane were going to pick him up. Ive been contemplating names, but nonetheless you'll see pictures of the little guy soon enough...

Im still in love with the most amazing man out there! Although the Army has him stationed far away and even to a different country come early '09 I love him more than Ive ever loved a guy before.. & thats saying a lot.. I shall wait for terminal leave, I'll have a week of sweet bliss!
♥